Thunder Thighs

I've never had skinny legs and at my fattest I burned through pants as my thighs over lapped and friction destroyed the fabric. As I lost weight I still never got to a thigh gap (but I really never got thin enough) but I stopped destroying pants. Until today.

Thankfully the pants aren't destroyed but they are certainly worn thin as my legs have gained a whopping 2" each over the last 4 months. I'm back to thunder thighs. Just feeling the weight around me, the girth, the wobbles, is grossing me out. I'm hoping that this will be the same catalyst as the fat roll on my back the last time.

There is no garbage food left in my house as I cleaned it all out tonight. While I took care of that I watched two documentaries on Netfix, one about the benefits of veganism (which while is intriguing, is not something I can do) and another also discussing the health benefits of a largely plant based diet with minimal animal products. I already barely eat red meat, though I do eat chicken and fish fairly regularly, and I also consume egg whites for breakfast, milk in my tea and yogurt at work. While veganism isn't for me, there was a lot of information about refined sugars and what processed foods will do to your health and how eating a largely plant based diet will do all sorts of wonderful things to my poor abused body.

I'm hoping I can get up early enough to workout so I don't have to worry about it when I get home from work as I'm always wiped. Also need to spend the evening tomorrow getting into a routine of studying otherwise this one class will not go well.

Also hoping to be able to track calories to see where I am sitting and start making some realistic choices. The inevitable numbers game will begin but I have yet to decide if I will be taking measurements beyond weight.

I don't want thunder thighs anymore.

Day One of Exercise

I have to start somewhere I guess and today was that day. I felt lazy so skipped a run instead opting to do body weight exercises at home. I'm much happier doing these than going to a gym mostly because it's super convenient as I don't have to drive anywhere. I can just get up, change, and go downstairs. I've accumulated a few bits and pieces of exercise equipment such as weights and a set of equalizer bars so I can do a good workout at home. I've just been too lazy to do anything recently though today was hopefully the day to change all of that.

I got up and had a fattening breakfast so it was about 3 hours after that I decided it was time to do something active. I have decided I want to do one of those stupid glute challenges for 2 months and planned on incorporating that at the end of the workout. It was pretty simple as the online workout was already legs. One leg squats with 10lbs, lunges with shoulder raises with 10lbs per hand, wide squats with a knee touch with 10lbs per hand plus a one leg deadlift with row with 10lbs per hand. That knocked off two of my daily glute exercises so I only had to do the bridges and hamstring curls with the ball after. Didn't take long and it was sad that I could feel my heart rate climbing as high as it did as well as getting a bit puffy from breathing hard.

Lame.

But it's done. For that I must be grateful.

Tomorrow it's a continuation of exercise and starting to control the food. The plan there is to eat mindfully, healthily with reasonable portions until I can stabilize my cravings and binges. It shouldn't take long as I know from experience once I get on a roll it becomes very difficult for me to break that streak.

Paranoid

I'm finding myself constantly paranoid about someone finding my identity. This has to be the 4th or 5th blog I've started over the last few years, most of the other ones were abandoned as they served their purpose at that particular time. However, I'm in need of a place to express myself in anonymity.

I'm an adult woman who struggles with her weight. I've struggled for years though five years ago I successfully lost 60lbs with strict food rules and exercise. Shockingly it only took six months but in that time it screwed with my head enough that now I'm stuck in a horrible pattern.

In the last year I have gained 20lbs back and most of it has been since coming back from vacation in May. I've basically thrown all control out of the window and have been eating terrible foods every other day and not understanding why the weight won't come off.

I started losing weight five years ago because I was fat. I was well into the obese category and one day discovered that what I had assumed was a bra strap digging into me was actually a fat roll. I was repulsed and vowed to drop some weight. It took two months for me to adjust my diet, learn to track calories and say no to foods that didn't fall into the 'good' category. I had a lot to learn and was trying hard to keep my calories under 1500 each day. Bread, potatoes, cheese, chocolate and pasta all fell by the wayside as salads, fruit and tea took the spotlight. I learned to run, then joined a gym knowing that I couldn't do this by food alone.

It took those two months for my mind to warp. In two whole months I had lost 20lbs and was happily eating 1000 calories a day. The following four months were amazing. I loved feeling empty as I incorporated daily fasting once a week into my routine. I learned to listen to my body as I fed it, paying close attention to how I reacted to sugar, or other junk food, and learning not to make mistakes.

I miss it.

I miss the control.

I did it for me.

Now I need to do it again.