Paranoid

I'm finding myself constantly paranoid about someone finding my identity. This has to be the 4th or 5th blog I've started over the last few years, most of the other ones were abandoned as they served their purpose at that particular time. However, I'm in need of a place to express myself in anonymity.

I'm an adult woman who struggles with her weight. I've struggled for years though five years ago I successfully lost 60lbs with strict food rules and exercise. Shockingly it only took six months but in that time it screwed with my head enough that now I'm stuck in a horrible pattern.

In the last year I have gained 20lbs back and most of it has been since coming back from vacation in May. I've basically thrown all control out of the window and have been eating terrible foods every other day and not understanding why the weight won't come off.

I started losing weight five years ago because I was fat. I was well into the obese category and one day discovered that what I had assumed was a bra strap digging into me was actually a fat roll. I was repulsed and vowed to drop some weight. It took two months for me to adjust my diet, learn to track calories and say no to foods that didn't fall into the 'good' category. I had a lot to learn and was trying hard to keep my calories under 1500 each day. Bread, potatoes, cheese, chocolate and pasta all fell by the wayside as salads, fruit and tea took the spotlight. I learned to run, then joined a gym knowing that I couldn't do this by food alone.

It took those two months for my mind to warp. In two whole months I had lost 20lbs and was happily eating 1000 calories a day. The following four months were amazing. I loved feeling empty as I incorporated daily fasting once a week into my routine. I learned to listen to my body as I fed it, paying close attention to how I reacted to sugar, or other junk food, and learning not to make mistakes.

I miss it.

I miss the control.

I did it for me.

Now I need to do it again.